Hey Y’all! I’m so glad you are here. My husband and I were born and raised in the greatest place on Earth…the Midwest. Supper clubs, “Ope!”s, the most magical lakes, Kwik Trip/Kwik Star (if you know, you know) and Midwest Nice. We got married in 2018 and have lived in Wisconsin, Iowa and now are recently new residents to the suburbs of Raleigh, North Carolina. Hence my decision to learn into my Southern ways and start this post by saying..."Hey y'all!"

8 weeks after we closed on our home in North Carolina last summer, we welcomed our first baby into the world. In what started off as an exciting due date morning, with contractions inching closer and closer together in increasing intensity, bags packed and in the car and then heading to the hospital, ended in the loss of our precious son, Henry Joseph. Henry was born at 5:18pm on September 10th, 2021. He was 8lbs, 14.2 oz of pure perfection. [Not biased  by *any* means, as his proud Mother, obviously]. He had the cutest button nose and dark curls forming at the base of his head. We found out months later after further placenta pathology that Henry had a fetal maternal hemorrhage occurring between his cord and placenta, potentially for days or weeks prior to birth. Our sweet, sweet angel. We love him so very much.

I talk about Henry in the past tense because he is physically no longer with us here on Earth, but I talk about him in the present because his spirit and love truly live with us every day. He has profoundly impacted my life and we hear that from others who learn about his story as well. Friends and family have mentioned that Henry has taught them that you do not need to meet a person physically to feel their love and impact on your life. This sentiment brings us immense hope and peace in the most devastating and heartbreaking moments. I am proud to be 

I am here today to get really real with you. 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in loss. I’m inspired by how we have evolved to recognize and learn that what parents need is love, support and acceptance during times of grief, but this is an important conversation that needs to continue. Loss parents are living what is the biggest fear of most mothers and fathers, losing your child. Loss parents have lost our child before we really got to live out any moments out with them in the real world. The baby clothes are washed and neatly folded, the stroller is assembled and sitting in the garage, the car seat is buckled in the vehicle and bottles are ready and waiting, if needed. All of these items sit unused. Our arms are empty and our hearts are broken. Some people want every item packed away immediately and some people want every item sitting around in the rooms of your home for awhile, so their baby is not just “washed away” in an instant. The stroller has nowhere to go and neither does our love. It feels like every dream has been ripped out of your hands and I'm sure a lot of you have heard the quote "grief is love with nowhere to go."

While I have you here, lovely reader, I wanted to share a few things that, in my experience, are the best ways to show up for someone experiencing the loss of a baby.

• First, thank you for reading this list below. To truly show up for your people says a lot about the person you are. Thank you for being there for them. 
• Saying something is better than saying nothing. Avoid saying ANYTHING around “at least you can get pregnant”, or “at least it was early”, do not say “everything happens for a reason” or “It must be God’s plan” but DO say: “You and your baby are so loved. I am here for you. You don’t have to respond to this, but know that I will continue to be here.”
• Recognize that mothers who experience loss also go through the physical changes, pains and discomforts of postpartum life. If you know of things that helped you during this time physically, offer to drop off items that may help or comfort in this way.
• If the baby has a name…SAY the baby’s name. Follow the parent’s lead on this one. It could be as simple as “I thought of you and Baby Audrey today. Sending you love” *You are not reminding them of their loss or sadness, they already remember their loss all the time. You are simply popping up on their phone or in their mailbox to remind them that their baby is loved and remembered. 
• Get specific and take the work out of “helping”. Avoid “Let me know if you need anything!” Instead say, “I’d love to drop off sandwiches around 5p and take your dog for a walk - does today or Thursday work better?” Short, sweet, helpful and it takes the majority of the work out of it for them. 
• If your offer is met with no response or that it won’t work that specific time…try again another time. Don't take it personally. Respect their boundaries and know that in a lot of the early loss days they are just trying to make it through.
• Surprisingly to some, at times loss parents need to feel sprinkles of laughter and love and lightness. Grief is a lot to carry with you. When you spend time together, ask, do you want to talk, cry, laugh, vent or do you want a distraction? Make each emotion welcome and do not judge the feelings. Just give them space for whatever they need in that moment.
• Every action feels monumental after such an immense loss. Cheer her on. One friend told me “I’m proud of you for leaving the house today to go to your OB appointment, that is a big deal” Those words of encouragement are e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g when every “little” thing feels like such a huge thing.
• Stand in the nursery and hug her when she cries. The pain and heartbreak are so so raw, especially in the baby’s nursery. No words are okay sometimes. Tears ARE love.
• Meal trains are great and appreciated; think outside the “pasta” box, salad kits with dressing, cut up fresh fruit, sending an ice cream dessert or a breakfast casserole for the morning. Also, smaller portion sizes are something to be mindful of, especially in the early days with limited fridge and freezer space!
• If you are close enough, help her Marie Kondo the crap out of the piles of hospital bills, the delayed baby shower gifts, the constant flow of cards + gifts. It all adds up to a mountain of love... & clutter ;) 
• Offer to visit her child’s grave or a place that is meaningful to her and her angel. If she has a place where she goes to feel connected, offer to go there with her. Listen. Or sit. Ask her what feels best in that moment. If she cancels, still go. Tell her you still went and held them in your heart. I'll never forget when my best friend went to Henry's grave and she texted me saying "Him and I had a long chat about his Mom today". No words for moments as special as these.
• Dads grieve too. Please don’t forget this! Holidays, special days, and the in-between days. They are grieving the loss of their child and carrying an immense weight on their shoulders. Find a way to remind them that is meaningful to them that you are thinking about them and their child. 
• Be mindful of events surrounding the birth and celebration of other babies in their life; baby showers, birthday parties, etc. Don’t ignore them in these moments. Let them know that you would love to see them but understand if it’s not the right time for an event of that nature. If they duck out early or seem like they are in a daze, it’s because they probably are. Grief fatigue and small talk is extremely hard. Especially at functions where everything is centered around “happy”.

All of this advice is shared with the caveat that every single person has their own journey with grief and loss. Respect boundaries, learn what your people need from you and show up ready to love them and help remember their child. Their baby existed. Their baby matters. Their baby is loved. Thank you for loving your people through the hardest imaginable journey.