You know that thing that you’ve known in your heart to be the truest for you? That thing that you’ve known your whole life to be true. You’ve dreamt about it. You’ve prayed for it. You’ve known that God has placed this on your mind and in your heart with clear purpose. For me, that was not a specific career, or even dreaming intently of my wedding day. That truest thing for me in my life was always motherhood.

The most earth shattering and life altering loss happened in my life in September 2021. We were thrilled and anxious to meet our precious son Henry. He began his entrance into the world on his due date and after a scary drop in his heart rate in Labor & Deliver, I was rushed back for an emergency c-section. 6 minutes later in the OR, while I was under anesthesia and my husband was told to wait in a separate room, the medical team met Henry. After I came out of surgery and reunited with my husband, we finally got to meet our baby, too. Our perfect son. It was all “right” in my heart, but when we met him, we were also met with the news that medically it was not all “right”. Something was very wrong, Henry had to be resuscitated and he was very sick. And no one knew why. 30 hours later, my husband and I were completely numb, heartbroken, yet filled with immense love, as we held him in our arms. In those moments we were saying first true hellos as a family of three, and shortly after those moments in time, we were saying our precious “see you laters” to our first born, our biggest love, and our entire world. Our life here on Earth with Henry was split between two hospitals in Raleigh and Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Henry’s life was unexpectedly and tragically cut far too short and we joined the club that no one would ever want to be part of, The Bereaved Parents Club. 

What I have known my whole life is that I was made to be a mother. I looked like I was Matilda when I was five (straight across bangs and all!) and I could even make pancakes just like her at that young age! I was the “little mom” to all the kids (younger OR older) than me growing up. I loved babysitting the littles ones once I was old enough. Kids seem to flock to me and I enjoy all of those precious little moments. People that know me are never surprised to find me at a social event with a baby on my hip. I wanted to be just like MY mom, who is also known to be an insanely amazing “kid person”. 

There was so much I was looking forward to doing with Henry and our little family. Picnics. Reading books. Hobbies. Sporting events. Camping trips. Shenanigans with our puppy Murphy. Arts and crafts. Bubbles. Helping him chase anything that he wanted to pursue in life. I was ready to be there cheering him on, watching him learn, grow and be his true self. I was looking forward to experiencing all of it with Henry, things both seemingly insignificant and all the grander moments of parenthood, too. I felt incredibly blessed to be given the title Mom very quickly into intentionally trying to start our family. I felt God’s ever present “Yes” in every single way when I became pregnant. This baby and this journey was truly meant to be.

And as we all know now, that “yes” seemed like it was ripped away from right under us at Henry’s birth. In every sense of the way - unexpectedly and traumatically ripped away. When I birthed Henry and then had to hand him right back to God, I was given both a new title and identity. Mom. But not just the title of Mom, I have the very difficult job of being an Angel Mom. It’s exhausting bringing a baby home, feeding all night, losing out on sleep…and it’s also exhausting grieving your child’s death, healing from PTSD, just trying to get through each day in one piece. I am here to share that it’s exhausting if you are holding a baby in your arms, it’s exhausting if you are praying for a baby to be in your arms, and it’s down right exhausting when you’ve left the hospital without your precious bundle of joy, ready to start your lives. 

Being brand new to the state just 8 weeks before we met Henry, with family and friends across the country from us in North Carolina, things were about to get real…really quick. My Mom stayed with us for 3 weeks. God Bless that woman. A real saint in every way. She cooked for us, cleaned for us, stocked our freezer, took me on slow post-c section walks and made my husband his favorite treats. I remember crying out one night to her just sobbing as she stroked my hair. “What am I GOING TO DO?! Being a Mom to Henry is what I was supposed TO BE DOING. It’s all I’ve known to be true. How will I fill my days?!” She made every emotion and feeling and hurt and pain OKAY and welcome in her safe bubble. I can never thank her enough for that. THAT is motherhood, after all. I wanted that with Henry so badly. 

I remember telling my Mom that I couldn’t even picture a path forward without Henry being a part of the work that I put into the world. He IS my purpose and the most important part of my story. Even though I put that into the world in the form of words on the warm fall day, I just didn’t know what it could even mean…yet.

Days, weeks, months passed and while I experienced some of the darkest days I would never wish on anyone in their lifetime, it also became very clear, through little whispers and God & Henry winks, what I should be doing with my time here. There were so many “waves, oceans, seashells” signs that came in from every direction. To the song I sang Henry in the hospital (Oceans by Hillsong United) to when I got home and realized that his nursery had ocean artwork on the wall and a quote about oceans next to it. A church meal showed up with seashells attached to it. So on and so forth. There were these beautiful little ripples everywhere. We started to connect the dots that these little ripples were actually going to be bigger than we could ever touch, see or imagine. There will be people that Henry impacts that we will never meet or hear from. And I really love that part of it. We are proud to share his ripple with the world and Henry’s Ripple was officially born in fall 2021. Henry’s Ripple was born as a special fund to help support children and families experiencing hospital stays or hardships in their lives. 

If my story has led me to outliving my child, I’m going to lean in while I’m here. I’m going to mother Henry in heaven with every ounce of my being. I’m not rocking him to sleep or getting to find out what his favorite toddler snack is to munch on, but I’m listening, praying, talking to him and sharing him with the world. The wisdom that I’ve received on this journey was not meant to be bottled up. It’s meant to be shared, I do know that. I am still sad and mad and shocked in a lot of ways that this has happened to Henry and our family, but if my pain can be purposeful to others, that brings me an ounce of peace. 

So as the initial grieving days, weeks, months passed by, some days I had it together and most days I did not. But I slowed WAY down, took it one minute at a time and I paused a LOT when it was all too heavy. I asked for help A LOT. And…I followed my heart. I had a lot of heart chats with God and Henry. And in some of the pauses during these conversations, the wind would shift and take my breath away. Or a cardinal would appear in our backyard and just lock eyes with me. When we get quiet, and listen to what we already know is true…that is what finding your next step is all about. My brand Unwavering Love Co. was born to be a space that I could pour my creativity, passions and overflowing love into. I was inspired and encouraged to start Unwavering Love Co because of how much love surrounded me in my life, love from God, Henry, and a community filled with wonderful and supportive friends and family. Henry’s life was such a pure reminder of all of THE LOVE. A special friend and NICU nurse told us “Henry only knew love in his life” and on our most painful, heartbreaking days…this gave me an incredible amount of peace. 

We have one life, loves. We don’t choose what happens to us. But we can choose how we take action into the next moment, the next day, the next season. It is insanely important to me as I’m sharing with you today to remind you all…while each and every day is a gift, each day will not be easy. Give yourself what you need, when you need it. And then slather some grace on top of it all. (Guac may be extra, but grace is not). Looking at you, Chipotle. 

Being Henry’s mom is hands down my greatest honor in life. I believe my best YES was saying YES to marrying my husband and growing our family together, and God’s best YES for my life was giving us Henry, the perfect mix of both his parents. 

Henry came to this world and my life for many reasons. It is my honor to share his story and help to carry on his legacy of ripples. Thank you for carrying his ripple with you on your journey today. Thank you for showing up in your life and in the lives of others with unwavering love and support. For yourself and those around you. 

xoxo,

Courtney